How to talk to your partner about sex: tips

Many of us learnt about sex in a not-so-ideal fashion - a chapter on reproduction in biology class, twisted facts from friends that Chinese whispered their way to you and the rose-tinted version sold by fiction. This is why it’s understandable why most of us don’t talk about it as casually and easily as we do about other aspects of a relationship.

While this may be the norm in most relationships, that doesn’t make it healthy. Having regular conversations with your partner about your sex life won’t only help make the sex better but also keep a check on both of your sexual health as well.

What to discuss with your partner about sex
How to talk about sex with your partner

Doctors for sexual disorders and issues

What to discuss with your partner about sex

Here are some things you shouldn’t shy away from discussing with your partner:

Sexual history: Sharing your sexual history means letting your partner know when was the last time you got yourself tested for sexually transmitted diseases, whether you had one or still do and if you’re undergoing any treatment for it, etc.
Protection and exclusivity: Discussing birth control methods such as contraceptive pills or a vasectomy, and deciding on one to use is extremely important in ensuring your health and avoiding an unwanted pregnancy. You should also be able to revisit the conversation if either of you wants to propose a change.
Menstrual cycle: Some women experience a change in sex drive during or before their period. Couples should be able to talk candidly about this as well as whether they both want to have sex during periods or not.
Likes and dislikes: Everyone has different kinks, fantasies and desires in bed. Letting your partner know what you like and don’t like in bed provides a shortcut to better sex and help you avoid any awkward situations that may arise otherwise.
Limits: Tell your partner about the things you would never ever want to do in bed. Limits are similar to dislikes, but with dislikes, you might change your mind down the road or could end up really enjoying something with a new partner that you didn’t with the last. But your limits would be a list of things (including types of sexual activity) that aren’t up for negotiation at all. Again, helps avoid awkward situations.
Trauma: If someone has been through a traumatic sexual event in their past or were in a sexually abusive relationship, they should be able to tell their partner about it if they like. They can share what they could be triggers for them so that their partner can avoid them.

Read more: How to have safe sex

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How to talk about sex with your partner

Now that you know what conversations you need to have, here are a few tips on how to have them:

Start casually

Don’t drop the bomb suddenly but don’t build it up too much either. Let your partner know what you would like to talk about and ask them when they think would be a suitable time to discuss it. Don’t make the situation sound dire - or your partner will feel anxious about all future sex talks as well. Set it up and keep it out of the bed area, again, to not have your partner start associating the bedroom with any negative talk.

Read more: Tips for the first time you have sex

Ask questions

Instead of statements or accusations, pose your concerns as questions. Putting too much pressure may make your partner think you’re attacking their skills and they might go on the defensive. For example, if you don’t think you’re having enough sex ask what your partner thinks about having sex more often, whether it’s something they would like or be opposed to and why.

Read more: How to increase libido

Express appreciation

Before you say something negative, say something positive. For example, if you’re not feeling satisfied by the quality of foreplay involved, start the conversation by telling your partner what they do in bed that you really love and appreciate. Then propose mixings things up or trying new things during foreplay. Talk to your partner about how it might make the entire experience better for both of you.

Be open-minded

Everyone’s sexual needs are slightly different, you probably won’t find someone who likes all the same thing you do. Sometimes, they can be very different and you may only realize this a few months into the relationship. Make sure your first reaction isn’t that of revulsion - even if that’s what you’re feeling inside. A negative reaction can close the doors for any scope of having such conversations in the future. A good way out is to say, “I’m glad you shared this with me. Personally, I don’t think it’s something I would be comfortable exploring but let’s talk about it once I’ve thought it through. I hope you understand.”

Read more: Oral sex and Anal sex

Baby steps

If you feel like you have several issues you would like to discuss, don’t make a list and plan to check them all off in one sitting. Again, that may feel like a very personal attack. Take it slow, address one topic first, see how it goes and if things get resolved. Then move on to the next.

Solve issues together

Nothing about sex is one person’s responsibility. Even if it’s something like you not being able to orgasm during sex - this may not be anyone’s fault. So devise a plan together - come up with a few ideas, jot them down maybe. If you want to achieve something here, it’ll have to be a joint effort instead of just blaming your partner and asking them to step up their game.